Maybe you'll read this and be able to relate and maybe you'll just read a few lines and decide that this just isn't for you and that's cool too. I just needed a place to write my thoughts today.
It's started happening already. Cabin fever. Winter hasn't even begun and the walls have already starting slowly closing in.
I struggle this time of year. Even when I know it's coming, I still struggle. I love and appreciate my time with the girls, but it's really only been like this the last couple of years since I started staying home.
This was a decision I made, to stay home with them. To get that time with them that I will never get back when they are grown. I see it with Kinley already. Her friends are becoming more and more important and I get asked on the daily if she can have a play date. It's just around the corner and although I know I will always be one of the most important human beings in their life, they are going to be spending less and less time with me. That's awesome and it sucks all at the same time.
Even though I know that and even though that is something I want, I still have to, I would say need to, have things that are my own. My photography. My words. My time. Silence. Music.
Last night I drove to halfway between here and where my parents live to meet up with my mom to give her some gifts for some family members. That was the first night in I don't know how long, that I had been out of the house without either one of the girls or James that didn't feel like I was just rushing from point A to B to Q. It was so nice to just be in the car by myself and listen to music and to just enjoy the drive.
I took Rowan, my youngest, with me to run some errands the other day and as we walked from the car into Target, she clung to my legs with both arms wrapped around me and wouldn't let go. In that moment I felt such an incredible amount of love and gratitude, but it also turned into a feeling of suffocation. I don't really like that word, but I can't think of how else to describe it. Calostrophobia? I don't know. We walked around the store with her in the cart, with her now clinging on to my coat to pull me in closer to her and saying, "I'll never let you go." Again I teetered on those emotions of pure love and joy, but also this feeling of just wanting to tell her to back it on up a little. I'm pretty sure we got followed around the store by a college age woman who was getting a kick out of our back and forth banter about this. I'm sure it was mildly entertaining from an outside perspective.
On the flip side of all of this, when I do get the opportunity or an invite to get out of the house...you would think I would run full speed ahead. Sometimes I do, but I don't always. A lot of time it takes me a lot of self-pep talking to actually go. I will talk myself in and out of going to something at least 10 times before I do it. It's not that I don't want to. It's not that I don't have fun once I'm out, because I do. But sometimes just the thought of leaving the house is draining. It doesn't make sense...right?
Most days I feel like a walking contradiction.
Anyway, maybe this makes sense to you and you can totally relate or maybe you are wondering what I am rambling on about. I'm not entirely sure what my point is here other than, it's okay to be completely grateful for everything that you have in life, but it's also okay if you also have those feelings of the walls closing in on you. It doesn't make you ungrateful or selfish...it makes you human. It's okay to make space for yourself if that's what you are needing. Sometimes you have to work hard to make that space. When it seems easier to stay home...maybe push yourself out that door. Make the time and create the space that you need. Talk about it with someone if you've been keeping it to yourself. You have to put your oxygen mask on first before you can help others.
