Vulnerable. What does that word even mean?
I'm not sure that I will really be able to put into words what vulnerable means to me, but here I go. Hang on tight, I failed Composition twice in high school....whoops! I've always struggled to put into words what goes on inside my head and then it usually comes out as word vomit.
Well, this is the definition that I found on the wonderful web...
vul·ner·a·ble adjective
susceptible to physical or emotional attack or harm.
"we were in a vulnerable position"
synonyms:helpless, defenseless, powerless, impotent, weak, susceptible"he was scared and vulnerable"
(of a person) in need of special care, support, or protection because of age, disability, or risk of abuse or neglect.
"employees must be better trained in how to deal with vulnerable young people"
(of a partnership) liable to higher penalties, either by convention or through having won one game toward a rubber.
Somehow, for me, this definition doesn't seem to fully cover it, or I guess at least it doesn't include some of my own ideas or even ideas of others I've come to believe being vulnerable is. I think to be vulnerable it takes courage, strength and bravery. Why? Because it can be scary and painful. You do put yourself at risk of being hurt or judged. I think of vulnerability as more of an act than a thing you are. I think to allow yourself to be vulnerable means to take down the walls so many of us build up, to strip away the things we use to cover up or hide our true selves. Those walls that we use as our defense mechanisms to fit in or to be liked or loved.
If you don't follow me on Instagram, I started the year off with a pretty personal image and some pretty personal words to go along with it. It was my 2017 proclamation. In it I stated this, "I hope 2017 is the year that I am able to strip down the ideas in my head of who I’m supposed to be, the unrealistic ideals I have for myself, the need for perfection and comparison and fitting in, and that I can just allow myself to just be who I already am. She’s in there hiding and it’s time to start peeling back the layers to find her again."
For me that was a pretty bold, vulnerable post. And let me tell you...I've been leaning into those things since then but it has not been easy. It's actually gotten really hard at times.
In another post, a few months later, I confessed that I had started seeing a therapist at the end of last year. Why? Because "somewhere along the way, I've separated my head from my heart. I've gotten stuck inside my head and I let these voices that are literally killing my insides right now, take over. I'm too much. I'm not enough. Who do you think you are? You're lazy. You're doing too much. I'm constantly overthinking things and I've become filled with things like anxiety, worry, doubt, fear, and even anger. Do you know what's it like to wake up and to not really feel things like love and joy or to even really feel sad anymore? You want to feel excited about life...but you just somehow can't get there. You can logically think and tell yourself all the positive things that you have going in your life, but you can't feel them. Hearing that truth, that I've separated my head from my heart this last week...it broke my heart and it hurts."
I think to be vulnerable to let the light shine in on all of our imperfections and flaws, and to unapologetically put yourself out there, to be seen, to be heard, and to be loved for who we are, flaws and all. None of us are perfect! Why do I think I need to be!?! Why do we respond with, "I'm fine" or "I'm okay," when we obviously are not? Why is it not okay to not be okay? I think we associate not being okay with weakness. "To share your weakness is to make yourself vulnerable, to make yourself vulnerable is to show your strength." -Criss Jami
I've been carrying around a lot of self doubt, and negative self talk off and on for a long time. It's time to wash some of that away. Will it be easy? No. Will it be worth it? ABSOLUTELY!
So, here I am. Flaws and all.
You may also be wondering where I came up with this idea to write about being vulnerable. Well, I didn't. My beautiful friends, Tina and Britney, came up with this brilliant idea of putting together this project, Something Beautiful, where each month we focus on one word and we use that word, our art, our photography, and our words if we choose, to heal and grow. Photo therapy. Please take a moment to go and check each of them out.